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CelebThoughts: Why Would Nick Cannon Want to Get His Ass Kicked by Eminem?

For the past few years, Eminem has been feuding with Mariah Carey. Apparently, he’s pissed because she publicly denied their relationship, proving that you're never too old and mature to pull an "I totally hit that and she's a lying ho if she says otherwise."

I think it’s more likely that someone forced him to sit through the movie
Glitter and he needs an outlet for the subsequent rage. Regardless, the two of them have been blasting each other in songs, videos and Twitter for a while now.

Enter Nick Cannon, Mariah Carey’s husband of two years and professional attention whore. Cannon has recently declared that he’d like to challenge Eminem to a charity boxing match to settle this score once and for all, which begs the question: what the hell is he thinking? What follows is, I believe, humanity’s best guess.

"Damn Mariah’s in a wheelchair! She can’t be that old! She’s not as young as The Cannon, but…what comes after 29? Damn. I gotta call my publicist, maybe I can get all Terry Schiavo on this shit.

Huh you know that reminds me – while she’s already sittin’ down and stuff, I don’t think I got enough lovin’ for the tattoo I got. Let’s be honest here, that’ll cramp a guy’s mojo like whoa. Maybe I can talk to her…

Aw shit I hate this song. “Love the way you lie” – more like “Love the way you’re a fuckin’ string-bean shaped idiot.”

I hate that dude, always dissin’ on my girl. Dude needs to get the fuck over it. She’s with The Cannon now! I’m the king of fucking Nickelodeon!

Yo wait, wait. I have it. I’m gonna challenge that piece of shit to a boxing match! I will kick his scrawny white ass in front of everyone in the world! Plus I can host it! Nick Cannon presents: Nick Cannon and Eminem boxing, with host, Nick Cannon! Damn!

I mean, come on! Who’s gonna win this? I’m named after a pirate weapon! He’s named after some chocolate candy. No shit!

This battle would be delicious.

Hell yeah! I gotta call some people – see if I can get Spongebob to be the ref!

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