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The 2010 VMAs (as Tweeted by a 15 Year Old Girl)

Did you miss last night’s VMAs? Don’t worry, in a year where Kanye West acts like a reasonably mature human being and the winner of Best New Artist is a little Canadian boy who still hasn’t seen the video “Your Changing Body,” it can’t be said that it was a monumental night for pop culture. Still, some of you out there might want a recap, so I recruited a fifteen year old girl (that I invented) to chronicle the evening’s events on her Twitter.

Su$ieSweetHeart is a white, suburban teenage girl who enjoys Twilight, texting, seeing movies like Meet the Spartans and “busting out some classic jams every now and then” (translation: she found her older brother’s regrettable Baha Men CD). She was brave enough to watch the VMAs, that way you don’t have to. Here are her tweets from the night…

Su$ieSweetHeart: SOOOO EXCITTEDDDD!!!!! Plz let the Beebs win, plz let the Beebs win…

Su$ieSweetHeart: Beautiful celebs on the red carpet. I wish I had Snooki’s tan…mom’s all like u cant go tanning 5 tymes a day ull get cancer im like fuk u bitch lolz j/k

Su$ieSweetHeart: Yea but no srsly she iz a bitch she wouldn’t let me date the new gym teacher and he was so hotttttttttttttttttttttt…

Su$ieSweetHeart: …tttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt…

Su$ieSweetHeart: …tt! And damn lyke now hes in jail cuz of her. Gheyyy.

Su$ieSweetHeart: YAY its starting! Eminem iz my boi, hes so original. “Not Afraid” rlly speaks to me..

Su$ieSweetHeart: Lyke last year the quarterback of the football team wanted to take me to Homecoming and his ex was all lyke “no u didn’t gurl”

Su$ieSweetHeart: And im lyke “bitch who cares if hes your babies daddy that was 2 years ago. Im not afraid of u.” And them Em had that song and im just lyke “I kno wut u mean Em.”

Su$ieSweetHeart: RIHANNAAAAAAA!!!!

Su$ieSweetHeart: When Rihanna had all that trouble a while ago I left her a lot of comments on her Myspace. I think I rlly helped her thru her shit.

Su$ieSweetHeart: Chelsea Handler is an ugly beeyotch. They should have let sum1 elegant like Paris Hilton host.


Su$ieSweetHeart: Sry bout that, I lose my mind when Bieber is around.

Su$ieSweetHeart: Sum bitch on facebook says he’s lip synching. Ill kill her puppy and stuff it in her mailbox. The Beebs is pure talent.

Su$ieSweetHeart: Oh, this is weird, now they’re letting one of the ushers perform…haha j/k see im madd funny sumtymes. Usher is so sexi.

Su$ieSweetHeart: sexy*

Su$ieSweetHeart: Florence and the Machine is on. More lyke WHORENCE and the Machine. I dont get this shit at all.

Su$ieSweetHeart: Oh wow, Taylor Swift is on. Thought she’d be 2 scared cuz of wut happened last year. Shes so brave.

Su$ieSweetHeart: Her dress is exactly lyke the one im gunna wear to Homecoming. She totally ripped me off.

Su$ieSweetHeart: “Ur still an innocent.” yea bullshit Taylor, u stole my man and my dress, all ur innocent of is not being a beeyotch.

Su$ieSweetHeart: Drake. What a gheyy name.

Su$ieSweetHeart: Im gunna be a star like them 1 of these days. Ive got madd vids up on youtube of me singing the hits at karaoke nite.

Su$ieSweetHeart: Don’t go on youtube searching for “drunk girl throws up singing bad romance.” sum dum bitch put that up on youtube but thats not me singing anyway, werd.

Su$ieSweetHeart: Linkin Park is the best. i wrote an essay for history about the civil war and my teacher was all lyke “that’s not how u spell linkin” and im lyke “haha whatevz ur dum.”

Su$ieSweetHeart: Lady Gaga is so brave and smart. we need more singers who r all about the music. new album is called “born this way”? werd, u kno she wuz born that way.

Su$ieSweetHeart: Haha werd Kanye lets have a toast for the douchebaggggs. lyke my ex.

Su$ieSweetHeart: Ok nite nite every1. tanning 2morrow!

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