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Which Drinking Games Will Get You Laid?

College parties are like mini-Amsterdams; there are no social rules, and they look much more fun in the movies. Whereas homeless people are spit upon by society for endlessly seeking alcohol and low-standards sex, college students are celebrated for such zany antics.

That’s why the drinking game was invented so many years ago by esteemed Yale scholar R. Henritz Cockinslap, Esq. He said, “I intend, with great vigor and determination, to devise a series of activities which combine the socially dynamic and good-naturedly aggressive qualities of sport with the pleasant experience of healthy inebriation. Perchance, should females accompany my brothers and I in these games, they shall reveal their substantial titties to us.”


Pictured: C. Henritz Cockinslap


Centuries later, this proud tradition is continued on college campuses across the United States. Provided below is a primer to the more common drinking games, and whether or not they are likely to lead to drunken shame or drunken sex (which are often, to be honest, the same thing).

Beer Pong


Beer pong is a classic. It’s to drinking games what baseball is to sports: neverending, and only fun to those actually participating. Teams consist of two members, plus three or four guys hovering around the table cuz they want to play next. A long table is set up, and nine cups, arranged like bowling pins and filled with varying amounts of piss-warm Keystone Light, are placed on each end of the table. The goal is to toss a ping-pong ball into the opposing team's cups, forcing them to drink the contents of said cups, all the while looking for increasingly foolish ways to accomplish this task. Players will try to toss the ball behind their back, toss it in while blindfolded, toss it in while doing a handstand, catapult it with their cock, etc. And the truth is, the only shots you will even come close to making are the ones without any of that fancy bullshit.

Will it get you laid? Only if you have been granted with some god-like beer pong powers which allow you to make every single shot you take, which will eventually attract a crowd of impressed onlookers. Sadly, no one is that good at beer pong.

Odds You Will Get Laid: 3/10

Odds Someone Will Shout “Kobe!” Everytime You Toss the Ball: 10/10

Flip Cup


Flip cup involves setting up another long table, with two teams of at least four people each standing along the length of it on either side, with a cup of beer in front of each member. The two people opposite each other on the end of the table must drink their beer, then let the cup hang slightly off the edge as they try to flip it up so that the mouth of the cup is on the table. If the first player fails to do this successfully, he must drink again. The process is continued down the line, but the next player on your team can’t start drinking until the person next to him has successfully flipped his cup.

As you’ve probably guessed, although those participating in this game tend to have fun, that’s just because of the ridiculous and dangerous amounts of alcohol they will consume over the course of it. It was actually designed so onlookers could get a good laugh at the hilarious incompetence of those involved, much like elementary school plays or Presidential debates. Like beer pong, it won’t help you seduce any ladies unless you spent ten years of your life studying it at a dojo. In fact, it may have the opposite effect, as it is damn near impossible to look cool while playing flip cup.

Odds You Will Get Laid: 2/10

Odds You’ll be the One Person on the Team Who Screws it Up For Everyone Else: 10/10

Kings


Kings is the little league of drinking games. We’re all winners and losers, equally.

A deck of cards is spread in a circle around a table, face down, with a cup in the middle (everyone's drink will be periodically poured into this cup, and some unlucky sacrifice will eventually be forced to consume the unholy contents). Although there are variations on the rules, basically, everyone sits in a circle around the table and takes turns removing a card. Different faces correspond to different drinking challenges, usually based on whatever less-than-clever rhyme can be made up. For example, a “2” is “you,” meaning whoever removed the card gets to make someone else drink. “Nine” is “rhyme,” meaning whoever invented this game doesn’t understand how rhyming works.

Kings is nice because there is no skill involved. It’s all random. On the plus side, by being able to occasionally make someone else drink, you can participate in what may be close to the sleaziest form of flirting ever.

Odds You’ll Get Laid: 5/10

Odds Everyone Will Forget the Rules Halfway Through: 10/10

Bros Icing Bros


Do I really need to go over this? “Bros” (Neanderthal precursor to mature human males) strategically place bottles of Smirnoff Ice so that one of their fellow bros will discover it and be forced to drink its contents. Or else…

…no, really, “or else” is basically as specific as the repercussions get.

Odds You Will Get Laid: 0/10

Odds You Will Lie About Getting Laid: 10/10

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