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Back to School Special: Making a Good Impression at College

It’s been a fun summer, hasn’t it? We chilled with friends, participated in such standard rites of passage as “killing a drifter just to see how it feels (answer: excellent!),” and anxiously awaited Tiger Woods’ divorce, so that we could show Elin Nordegren what a real hole-in-one feels like (answer: excellent!).

However, all good things, like The X-Files and fellatio, must come (!) to an end, and as such, it’s time to move on to the next chapter in your lives. Yes kiddoes, many of you need to pack up your belongings, say goodbye to old friends, testify under oath that you never tortured that drifter to death with a blowtorch and a hole punch, and head off to college.

For those of you going back, this time of year is exciting, as you look forward to the nights of drunken revelry and 3:00 AM pizza that await you. However, for incoming freshmen, it can be a bit nerve-racking, but don’t worry, Evilchili is here to give you all the advice you need to make a good impression.

(Due to legal bullshit, I am hereby required to tell you that my advice often sucks and will most likely get you arrested. Word.)

Meeting Your Roommate

Unless you can convince your school’s mental health professionals that you are unstable and will treat any roommate you have like they are your prison bitch, odds are you’re going to have to live with someone else, and if you grew up with your own bedroom, this may be your first time doing so. After introducing yourself and thoroughly going over your criminal record with your new roommate, you’re going to want to set some ground rules. Be sure to provide him with a schedule of your masturbation habits, so he knows when not to be in the room. Don’t hold back, be honest with him. If you must wake up at 5:00 AM each morning to jerk off while moaning about Hillary Clinton, make sure that’s in the schedule. Your new roommate will probably respect your admiration for our Secretary of State.

Going to Parties

No college experience is complete without partying like Obama just won the election (remember those days?), and there is nothing quite like the look of a college town during the first weekend after classes, when armies of young freshmen march off in search of booze and anonymous sex. Science has determined that 99% of all freshmen will not be returning to school after this first weekend. Some will get drunk, go streaking, and be expelled. Some will have nervous breakdowns and move back home to be with the same person they’ve been dating since tenth grade. Some will have anonymous sex with a serial killer. It happens.

Still, you’ve got to face these dangers head on if you want to truly enjoy college. First tip: DO NOT wear that “College” shirt from Animal House. That is actually good advice right there. It’s the higher-education equivalent of a guy who attends a concert while wearing a tee-shirt of the band he is going to see. Your over-enthusiasm would make a Care Bear call you queer.

"You're a fucking pansy!"

Second of all, when you show up at the party, if you are like every other freshmen that ever existed ever, you’re going to expect to get laid within minutes. Sadly, it doesn’t work like that. Girls are more selective these days, even if Nelly’s seductive “It’s Getting Hot in Here” is subliminally telling them to take of all their clothes.

What you gotta do is print out a bunch of pamphlets that give a detailed description of which STDs you do and do not have, then stand by the keg and distribute them among the attractive ladies. Eventually you’ll find the chick who reads this info and exclaims, “We both have herpes! We must be kindred spirits! Let’s go make more bad decisions!”

Securing Alcohol

The drinking age in the United States is 21. Most people begin college here at around the age of 17, sometimes 18.

That’s fucked up.

If you’re at least a moderately attractive female, you can get away with providing a fake ID, even if you are a Caucasian and the picture on the card is a screenshot from Pocahontas.

However, for us guys, it’s just not that easy. I’m 22 years old and the other night a bouncer still wasn’t going to let me in the bar even though my ID is real.

Anyway, you don’t want to leech off of the generosity of fraternities forever, nor do you want to give blowjobs for a bottle of Svedka. Besides, Svedka tastes like Ikea chugged a liter of vinegar and proceeded to take a piss in your mouth. So not worth it.

It’s weird, though. At any given college, there are plenty of thirty-five year old dudes in town/on craigslist who claim to be perfectly willing to befriend you and buy you alcohol, but they only seem to do want to do so for girls. Bizarre.

So, if you find yourself unable to make enough senior friends to purchase you booze, then there’s only one option left: moonshine.

Seriously, find out how to distill some whiskey and get to work in your dorm. Sure, it could make you blind…BLIND AWESOME!!!!!

(Due to legal bullshit, I am required to tell you that that last sentence makes no sense and ends in too many exclamation marks)

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