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Five Innovative Ways to Get Rid of a Girlfriend!

It’s not easy to be dumped by a lover. The humiliation of switching your Facebook info from “In a Relationship” to “Single,” the endless dark nights of the soul drinking Jack Daniels and listening to The Cure’s Disintegration album, the horrible decision to date John “Your Body is a Wonderland” Mayer on the rebound.

But, as someone who has broken more hearts than that guy who sang “Bad to the Bone,” I gotta say, it’ no walk in the park to be on the other side of the breakup. It’s like, the complete opposite of a walk in the park. It’s a three-legged race through the ghetto, a ghetto populated not by crack dealers, but by guilt dealers. And if you want to get out of this suffocating hell-hole of a relationship, you need a hit of sweet, sweet, guilt.

Anyway, I learned a long time ago that this process of having an active conscience was draining, and as such, I decided to never break up with a girl again. Instead, I would manipulate her into breaking up with me. Suck it, Jiminy Cricket.

Next time you need to unload that barnacle of a girlfriend/mother of your children, try these strategies to get her to take on the emotional burden of ending the relationship.

When she asks a question…

Your girl is probably always asking you questions like, “Does this dress make me look fat?” or “Do you think we are soul mates?” or “Do I always have to dress up like Princess Leia from Return of the Jedi when we make love?”

Well, instead of answering those questions with what she wants to hear (“No,” “Of course,” and “Whatever,” respectively), why not try some new answers out for a change?

When she asks you if a dress makes her look fat, say something like, “No, it makes you look like Rosie O’Donnell swallowed Texas. Texas is fucking gigantic.” When she asks if you think you are soul mates, say, “No, not really. When we met at Starbucks, I actually had my heart set on that cute barista, and I’m thinking I’ve still got a shot, but I’ll date you in the meantime ‘cuz I’m a hot-blooded man and I still gotta get me some while I work on her.” When she dares question your Star Wars themed sexual fantasies, respond completely in Jabba the Hutt language.

Arouse her (suspicions!)…

If I have learned anything from a lifetime of watching Lifetime (don’t judge me), every woman ever will, at some point in her life, be romantically involved with a charming, handsome doctor/lawyer/guy who makes more money than me, only to discover that he is in fact a psychopathic murderer. If your girl is lucky enough to have avoided this inevitability up until now, it’s time to make her think that you’re the maniac she’s been waiting for. Show up late one night with blood stains on your shirt…not real blood stains, dumbass. I dunno, kill a deer or something. Just make sure she sees this mess, and make sure you dispose of the shirt discreetly, trying to convince her that nothing is wrong.

It would also be helpful to leave a manuscript by her bed comprised entirely of the words “All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.” Pretend to talk in your sleep, mumbling something about burying her and her family alive.

Beat the Parents!

If you haven’t met your girlfriend’s family yet, you’re in luck! When she finally does introduce you to them, make it a point to disagree with everything her father says, claiming that his opinions are “ill-informed,” “old-fashioned,” and “racist.” Proceed to get progressively more and more drunk during the conversation; by the end of the night, you should punch her old man in the face and stand over his frail, elderly body shouting “What now, Walter Cronkite?”

For added effect, tell your girlfriend’s mom that her pimp called and he’s looking for her.

Buy Her (Deadly) Gifts!

Make a list of everything your girlfriend is allergic to. Now constantly buy her gifts that contain those ingredients. Peanut butter cookies. Chocolate-covered strawberries. Penicillin cocktail.

It is well known that women don’t like needy guys who are constantly buying them gifts for approval, but it may not be well known that women also don’t like almost dying. Combine the two of those experience, and she’ll be through with you for sure.

Burn Her Motherfucking Shoes!

You know what women love more than children? Yes, even more than their own children.

Motherfucking shoes.

So, seriously, if you want a girl out of your hair, just burn all her shoes. Every last pair. And make sure she knows that it was you who did it.

Even better, pull this stunt on a vacation, when she kind of needs shoes.

Enjoy the single life!

These blog posts are written from the perspective of an immoral character I have thought up. They do not reflect my personality. I am indeed a highly moral individual, but in the best interests of the humor-reading community, I have put aside such qualities. In real life, I enjoy cooking, listening to bands in the park, and doing something else that you people enjoy.

Haha, that shit was sweet, right??? TITS FO LIFE!

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