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7 Ways To Get People To Actually Care About The Climate Change

Climate change: we’ve all heard of it. We know it’s bad. But one of the biggest problems facing scientists and environmental activists right now is getting people to actually care about climate change. In the face of the internet, iPods and airline fare cuts, it’s hard to give a crap about the possibility that some day the children of the children that we might have will be fighting for scraps of food in an overheated wasteland that even Wall-E wouldn’t know what to do with. Here I propose some practical solutions to put climate change on the map.

1. Change the mascots of big football schools. For the rabid fans of powerhouse college football teams, a mascot is more than just an excuse to get a nerd to dress up in a sweaty costume and dance around. No matter how bizarre a mascot may seem (Crimson Tide? Come on. That’s what we used to call periods in middle school) it is an integral part of the fabric of a team. So instead of the Nebraska Cornhuskers, how about the Nebraska Polar Bears? The Texas Puffins? The Ole Miss Panamanian Golden Tree Frogs? Nothing says “Let’s stop climate change” more emphatically than a stadium full of wasted fans with nothing better to live for than college football.

2. Get an environmental group to sponsor Snooki getting punched in the face again. Now, I don’t have anything against Snooki personally, and I certainly don’t condone violence against women, but all I’m saying is that that video has millions of views on YouTube. And it is hilarious. I wouldn’t think twice about giving an absurd amount of money to any group who could make that happen again.

3. Eco-Porn. I can’t be the first person to have thought of this. Porn is probably the most powerful industry ever, so it only makes sense that they would lead a revolution in the way we live. What about a movie set at a wind farm, where the muscular windmill-maintenance man is met at the base of a windmill by Jenna Jameson, who holds out a glass of organic lemonade and says “Nothing’s hotter than a guy who loves the environment.” Boom. It’s easier to get people to care when boobs are involved.

4. Apple. Come on, Apple! You have a ridiculously dominant place in the world market! Can’t you lay your pretentious turtlenecks aside for a second and use it for good? If people will put up with AT&T for the iPhone then they will certainly tolerate some sort of “mandatory” app that challenges them to reduce their carbon footprint. Or shows a live feed of rainforests being slaughtered. Of course, that would depend on AT&T being able to support the app, which is probably a 50/50 shot.

5. Work-release program for federal prisons. Just put a convict next to a trash can with a shirt that says: “Recycle or else.” You think anyone will carelessly throw a Snapple bottle in there? Yeah right.

6. Make anyone interested in buying a Hummer first strangle a baby lemur to death in front of a crying child. You want to singlehandedly destroy the environment for no reason besides your own childish desire to own a fancy car? Fine. But own up to it.

7. Make John Mayer write a song about it. For some reason, John Mayer has the ability to make completely stupid things seem desperately important. Maybe it’s his sultry voice. Maybe it’s his enormous brown eyes. I don’t know and I don’t care – I say make him strum his guitar to an environmental tune. Maybe millions of tween girls will stop screaming long enough to get the message.

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