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Five Tips to Recession-Proof Your Life!

Times have been tough. At the close of the millennium, we were all still optimistic for the future. M. Night Shyamalan had released a movie that didn’t suck more than a desperate crack addict, LFO’s hit “Summer Girls” was dominating the charts, and the most we had to worry about was the dreaded Y2K virus, which, while scary, isn’t as scary as the economic recession because the economic recession is a real thing that is actually bad. Life was much easier when we were all shitting our pants over the looming threat of a fake computer monster that threatened to ruin our New Year’s buzz.

Somewhere along the way, a lot went wrong, and nowadays, many of us are struggling to get by. Unfortunately, clipping coupons and skipping vacations can only bring you so far, and at times, you need to take some more “unique” steps to get a little extra income and hold on to the money you already have.

With that in mind, here are five tips to help you make the economic recession your bitch.

5.) Get the Kids Involved!

Centuries ago, people had so many kids because a.) condoms hadn’t been invented yet, b.) a good deal of them died anyway due to the absence of modern medicine, and c.) children could work the land, too, making them a valuable source of labor. These days, it seems kids are nothing more than a valuable source of being annoying and crying when you eat all their birthday cake, so, clearly, a major old-school value has been lost, and it’s time we brought that back.

Hey, this can be fun for the kids. Get them a piggy bank and send them out on the streets to collect whatever spare change or hundred dollar bills they can find. Once the piggy bank seems pretty heavy, sneak into their room at night, break it open, and grab the cash.

When they wake up in the morning upset, tell them that the piggy bank fairy broke in and stole it because they had been bad little boys and girls. This will also save you money, as you no longer have to buy them gifts for Christmas, since bad boys and girls only get coal.

Take that money and buy yourself something nice, like new headphones for your iPod. You’ve earned it (plus the kids will probably be crying a lot, and you’ll want to drown out that noise).

4.) Play a Romantic Game!

Significant others can prove to be a hefty emotional and financial burden, but it doesn’t need to be so. Think about this: no one person in a relationship is “perfect,” especially in terms of economic responsibilities. We’ve all got our money-draining habits. Excessive shopping, a taste for expensive restaurants, crippling gambling addictions, etc. Well, instead of turning these matters into reasons to fight, make a game out of it.

Challenge your lover to give up as many of her expensive habits as she can in one month, with the promise that you will do the same. Now, you may want to actually keep this promise, but it would be far more considerate if you were to keep up your backroom poker games and daily trips to the strip club. That way, at the end of the month, you can swallow your pride and say “My goodness, honey, you won the game! I’m so proud of you!”

She’ll probably think it’s the sweetest thing you’ve ever done.

3.) Raise Money for “Charity!”

It takes a pretty cold person to not give money to charity. When faced with the choice to donate a buck to a homeless person or to the Salvation Army, you’ll always choose the Salvation Army, cuz, well, odds are that they won’t spend it on drugs. They’ve got a pretty lucrative business model, anyway, so you might as well imitate the masters. Get a bucket, create a generic label for a generic charity, and go door to door collecting money.

Of course, you’ll keep this money, but don’t feel bad. See, you’ve already done you’re good deed just by taking money from strangers. Recent scientific studies indicate that when we behave charitably, we are more likely to feel good about ourselves. So, with this plan, you get to spread happiness throughout the community while grabbing a little extra cash for yourself. No harm done.

2.) Join the Fight Against Crime!

If there is one business that NEVER suffers from an economic recession, it is narcotics, and it’s about time those involved paid for their crimes. What you need to do is go undercover in a neighborhood known for drug activity, stake out a few corners, see where the big transactions go down. When no one is looking, rush out of your car with a baseball bat and just go to town on the drug dealer. Like, really give it to him. Knock out some teeth, break a few bones. Remember, you’re doing it for justice.

And for his money. You’re also doing it for his money. Definitely don’t forget to grab that, or this whole exercise is pointless.

1.) Have a Yard Sale!

Yard sales are a great way to make some extra cash and get rid of unwanted possessions. Haha, no, not your children (that’s illegal, I checked).

Anyway, you don’t have any unwanted possessions, do you? No way; you’d have no use for this article if that was the case. But rich people, man they have so many possessions that you don’t want them to have, thus making them unwanted by extension. And, if my vague understanding of what the news tells me is anything to go on, like, rich people are to blame for this mess…right? That Bernie Madoff fella, like, he was bad…I dunno, I get my news from The Daily Show.

Either way, yeah, you should really level the playing field and give those rich folks their just desserts. Break into their homes when they are out yachting or attending one of their underground slave auctions and steal a bunch of their shit. Then truck it on over to your place and sell them at yard sale prices before they get back, so the less fortunate in the neighborhood can finally see what Hi-definition TV looks like for once.

Just think of yourself as Robin Hood.

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