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Great First Date Tips That No One Will Teach You

First dates are sometimes the most excruciatingly awkward experiences. “What town are you from? What are your pets’ names? What’s your favorite color?” Seriously, are you trying to get to know me or hack into my Yahoo account? It’s best to follow this guide to ensure that you’re getting involved with the right girl and that it will be all smooth sailing from the first date to your inevitable divorce.


1. Before Things Get Serious, Ask If She Presses Charges

You never know what a girl constitutes harassment as being. Some think a good slap on their right ass cheek is harassment, while others think it’s just a playful gesture to show you like how their body is sculpted. Getting this out of the way before you even start your first stupid question is key. If this happens to be a dinner date, the next step is even more important.


2. ALWAYS Order for her.

Girl’s love a man who takes charge. By ordering the cheapest thing on the menu, you show that you know how to manage your money, and by also ordering it with a diet soda and light salad dressing shows that you are enthusiastic about health. Chicks love guys that are into eating healthy.


3. Tell them about your past sexual history.

Chick’s love to know that a man is experienced in the world of romance, and nothing shows them that better then telling them about the time you banged a girl in the janitor’s closet at KFC and used Lysol as lubricant. Make sure you list off all the names of the girls you’ve slept with, this will put their fear that you might have slept with one of their friends to rest. Now that your conversation is well on its way, it’s time to show some intimacy.


4. Lean In And Smell Her

Chicks love it when guys tell them how good they smell. It’s really important to always lean in to her bosom and give it a good sniff. Then, and remember this part is key, tell her how it brings back memories of home when your mom used to cradle you in her arms and help you with your 7th grade math homework. This serves two purposes, first it shows that you like the way she smells (she’ll swoon over this) and second it shows that you’re sensitive and care about your mom.


5. Check Your Phone Frequently

See that guy above? He probably has sex with girls several times per month because he looks so busy and important. Chicks dig a guy who has priorities and a schedule to keep. I usually send out a mass text during my date saying, “What did you do today”, so that I have plenty of texts incoming during the meal. She’ll think you’re conducting an important business deal. Which brings me to my next point.


6. Wear A Pager

See that jacked torso? That's Brad Pitt. He wears pagers. Nothing says important like a pager. Whenever I see a guy walking down the street wearing a pager, do you want to know what I do? I get the fuck out of his way! He’s either a M.D., psychiatrist on the way to keep a suicidal patient from drinking a bottle of bleech, or a drug dealer. Either way, you’ll look even more important and mysterious.


7. Show You Have Strong Morals

The end of the date can sometimes be the most awkward. It’s important that when you drop her off, tell her that you’d love to come in and have a few drinks, but you feel that there is too much sexual tension between the two of you, and that you fear it will lead to premarital sex. This will leave her waiting for more.

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