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Four Reasons Why Serial Killers Use Vans

Growing up, I was stuck using my Dad’s 1994 Plymouth Voyager whenever I wanted to take a girl out on a date. Picture pulling up to your high school sweetheart’s house in a wood grain minivan with “tinted out windows” and gold hubcaps and expecting her parents to trust you to return her before 11 PM. The thoughts revolving in their heads were probably such as, “My daughter is going to come home 3 months pregnant and nutritionally deprived”, and “He better have a backseat in that shit mobile, or I’m going to send his ass back to whatever trailer park he came from”. The truth is, the van didn’t even have a back seat, or a middle seat to make matters worse. My Dad used it to transport various crap from his rental properties (old toilets, chunks of debris that had fallen off the building, etc).

After several dates, I began to quickly understand why these suspicious vehicles make for such great rapist vans. They offer several benefits…

First off, why stop at having one dead hooker in your trunk when you can have two rows of space deadicated (see what I did there?) to lifeless bodies? All you have to do is get the “date” situated in the front seat and all you have to do is convince them the horrendous smell is from a seagull that got caught in one of the air vents.

Secondly, all creepy looking vans have to have tint. It’s no longer suspicious. No one wants you to see what they are toting in their van, whether it’s a DJ’s speaker set or 3.5 hookers from the red light district.

Thirdly, if you are carrying several dead bodies, you can expect to have the suspension lowered. Thanks to the trend amongst rice burners (yes, I’m blaming the Asians for this serial killer pandemic), it’s no longer suspicious to have a lowered suspension. You’ll just look like another low rider looking to hook up with a lustful latina.

Finally, handicapped people use vans. Handicapped people are always bitching and complaining and asking for help, so it’s not suspicious when some middle aged man asks for help moving a large La-Z-Boy chair into the back of his van. It’s common in fact. I helped out some old bastard yesterday move a box of candy into the back of his van.

The point is, Van’s are economical for all walks of life, whether it be large families, contractors, construction workers, or serial killers.

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