The gym brings a variety of people to it, I'm pretty sure I'm missing a category or two... but here's my thoughts...
1.“New Years Resolutioner’s” – Every New Year they vow to shed 20lbs and join the local gym. They renew their year long pass and come strapped with a bottle of Mountain Dew to keep them properly hydrated and an extra tight shirt, so they can watch their bulging stomach quickly diminish after a workout. They’re nice to have around for about a week so that you can make yourself feel better, but after that they become “too busy” to continue their resolution and go back to watching soap opera’s with the company of Ben and Jerry.
2. “I’m totally JACKED!” – You could record the vocals of these people and play it back to your friends and they wouldn’t be able to tell if they were having really rough sex or working out. Each rep requires that they belch out an ARRGHH. They carry around their shaker bottle filled with a protein shake and after a nice long workout; they go home and shit out water. When waiting in line behind these overbulked morons, be aware, they take five minute breaks between sets and sweat excessively.
3.“I’m Here To Pick Up Ass” – These guys are like wolves. They prey on women when they are most vulnerable (when they’re sweatier then the fat people that workout around Richard Simmon’s in Sweatin’ To The Oldies). They take it upon themselves to correct girls form when they’re dumbbell pressing 12lbs, just to avoid any possible injury. Their workout is based around using whatever machine is closest to an attractive female of the other sex, and they always make sure to put on cologne before the gym.
4.“I’m Probably Going To Throw Up This Energy Bar When No Ones Looking” – When you I sit at home at night drinking beer and eating pizza, they always have to flash those god damn commercials of starving Ethiopian kids to make you feel like shit for eating such amazing food. You could turn their rib cage into a xylophone with just the stroke of a drumstick, and could feed a frog for eight months with the flies circling their heads. That’s what comes to mind when I see these women (and sometimes men). You can tell they aren’t stepping out of that gym until they’ve lost 4lbs of water weight through sweating and an extra lb from throwing up.
5.The normal people. I don’t have anything witty to write about them.